Stuff and procrastination

So I'm procrastinating again. From what?, you may ask. A dreaded essay which is already 5 days late. And when I hopefully finish it tonight or tomorrow morning, I have another 3000 word essay due the following week, plus my log book which is 4 or 5 entries behind (that means roughly 600-750 words that I need to catch up on, but it's basically on my opinion and what I've learnt and possibly extra reading, which is a good thing I guess).

I'm the opposite of Mark, I think. Despite the obvious reasons being he's a boy and I'm a girl, I'm physically Asian (although I feel as though my mindset ain't) and he's such a white boy, it's pretty obvious that Mark is the hard worker and, like, I'm not. :D I'm definitely not an academic, even though people may say I'm kinda smart and what not (I'm not that smart, I think my boy is like ten times smarter than me), and in order to show that I'm "smart" I have to work pretty hard and to be honest, I can't be bothered.

My parents are wanting me to finish my degree sooner rather than later. I told my dad the other day that due to timetabling I may just have to stay back for another session and finish just one subject off, but that will allow me to work full time and start saving money to go overseas with my gorgeous boy for a whole year. Dad didn't seem to like that prospect. But I do want to travel whilst Mark and I are old enough to be brave and try new things, but not be too young and naive that we'd make stupid mistakes or we're not allowed to do things like drink alcohol in the US (I'm kinda thankful that I've left it til after I'm 21 to go there, otherwise Vegas would be boring... it was boring when I was there as a 7 year old).

I actually can't wait to start full time teaching. I don't mind teaching for a year or so. I do eventually wanna do something like Honours or Masters if I get to choose what I want to study. For my masters I wanna do film studies at UTS possibly, and learn how to make a film all over again. I didn't really enjoy film theory at UNSW, and as much as I enjoyed studying about film genres, I still hate writing essays.

I've discovered that I'm probably ten times better at doing things like presentations. I got a distinction the other day thinking that I was under prepared for that presentation, but she commented on how I explained my topic thoroughly and answered the questions well and what not, and the mark was almost a HD. But my writing is shocking - it was only Credit standard, and it exemplifies how I just don't like writing. First and Second year stuff were a bit easier and less words and all, and about topics that I know thoroughly well, but for Aboriginal music (this essay which is already 5 days late) I feel inadequate again, and I hate my writing style, as I feel it is mediocre and just not academic enough. Sigh... If I do decide to do Honours or Masters, it'll definitely be mostly, if not all, course work, and not Thesis work. And the thesis work involved will definitely be of a topic that interests me thoroughly. :D

After this affirmation that I hate essay writing, I also came to think that I'm one of the most fickle people around. One day I would say I wanna go back to studying, and the next day I wanna go into full time work. But I can't really get into full time work without a degree, although the part-time job I have at the moment wants me on full-time, and it shows that I don't need a degree in order to do this job. I can't wait until next year where all I need to worry about is teaching during the day, and I could do things like procrastinate on the internet and knit and stuff in my spare time. And probably hang out and do things like watch movies and theatre, and go out and be creative and all that. Maybe the extent of my learnings would be to take up a photography course online so that I can take awesome photos by the time I go overseas...

Anyhows, now that shows are dying down and I'm getting less busy, I really need to concentrate and ho-down on my assignments for the next two weeks until uni finishes. This really shows that I'm pretty good at starting things, just not finishing things... and you could probably tell by my knitting - ten zillion projects at the one time, but have I really finished many? Nah...

Oh, and Markyboo is going to Greece this Friday for the Artemis Project Competition. I'm tres excited for him! His syndicate is entering a Clarinet playing robot, and apparently it's quite behind schedule, but hopefully all will be well once it gets there. Gonna miss him for a whole week! We've been spending every day with eachother for the past 5 or so months, it's been crazy! Also, we've been going out for 9 months already... 3 more months and it'll be a year. It would be my first ever official long term relationship, I wonder what else is in store!

Little things that make me smile

- Mark telling me he loves me, and that I'm perfect

- My Daddy calling me just to see how I am, even though I said I was going to come and visit earlier in the week but didn't

- A lecturer saying that I did a very good presentation even though I only had one and a bit weeks to prepare, was first in line and felt under prepared

- Seeing a difference in attitudes from people after addressing why I was upset with them

- Chocolate

- Dogs that are ultra friendly, especially the Golden Retrievers over at the director of ISM's house

- Having the house to myself

- Knitting

- Listening to awesome music

- Seeing my friends happy

I'm a Catholic, a sister, a girlfriend, and above all other things, terrible.

*****Warning: It's a long entry, so if you don't read it now, I'll rant it to you in person.*****

So the Easter break comes by, and what decides to come to greet me? A dose of the cold and gastro. It was fun*.

I didn't go to Good Friday mass, and, I must admit, I had the Catholic guilt tugging behind me like a puppy with three legs and one eye. I have been raised by a very Catholic family, whom are funnily enough not always the most Christian people I know. When I say Christian, I mean forgiving, sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, loving, generous - the virtues that the religion tends to try and educate en masse. My dad, ironically, I think is more Christian than my mother, even though Dad converted into Catholicism to marry my mother because my mother demanded it**. My mother, however, even though I do love her, forgives but never forgets (which in my mind, I don't think is real forgiveness), is hardly sympathetic because she thinks I'm the drama queen and even though I know she loves me, sometimes I find it hard to accept it when all she does is criticise my every move and my physical being. Dad does more volunteer work in the church than mum does, so when my mother tells me off for not going to church I don't feel that guilty, because even though mum has been going to church without fail for the past few years, I haven't seen her become more generous in her time, or more sympathetic towards others (especially when it's all about gossip), or more understanding. I claim I'm a non-ritualistic Catholic - that I do appreciate going to mass, but just not on a weekly basis, and I still believe most of the teachings the church provides (I just don't agree with some of the doctrines, like sex before marriage, and contraception, and abortion... but let's talk about that another time).

I know it's easy to criticise and be hypocritical, and I must admit I am hypocritical at the best of times, but for my mother to tell me off because I haven't been to church even though my mother going to church without fail for the past few years hasn't really stopped her from being as "sinful" as me, then I think I'm entitled to my break from religion. It's been the first time in (probably) my whole entire life that I've missed a Good Friday mass, and one out of 23 ain't that bad.

Due to my sickness, I was a bit low energy for Med Revue, and following that I was totally focusing on recovering on Tuesday for one of my bosses. Being aloof and always double booking myself, over the weekend I also agreed to picking up Tony after school on Tuesday... but forgot. So when I got a missed phone call from home at the end of teaching my last class on Tuesday afternoon, the first reaction was "SHIT! I FORGOT TONY!" and called him straight away. Thankfully he took the bus to my place and was waiting outside, and whilst waiting he was doing his homework, but for a good 2.5 hours he was left wondering where I was and why I haven't picked him up. I got there, and he was all forgiving and said "That's ok..." but I knew deep down inside he was hurt because someone close to him had the ability to forget about him. I remember when I was younger my dad always took his sweet time picking me up, and one stage I thought he forgot me when I was left at school for a good hour or so. There was also once on a Parent/Teacher interview night where he was a good hour and a half late, and I hated to keep the teachers waiting, and for someone who declared that my education was very important and that I had to be top of the class, he seemed a bit careless when it actually came to showing that to others besides myself. So when Tony told me that he wasn't angry at me, just slightly upset, I truly felt what he was feeling and I became that horrible monster that dad was when I was crying to myself anxiously waiting near the gates of the school, wondering why I was so forgettable. I also now know how life and work can get the better of you, that you tend to forget that there are those who still depend on you and they're around you hanging on for your next word, but you're too self-absorbed to even notice. I'm so sorry Tony, and I swear I'll make it up to you***.

And whenever I talk to people about religion, and I tell them that I'm Catholic (and don't worry, I'm not that devout), I say that the one thing that I'm totally grateful for is the fact that I've learnt to be generous through being Catholic. So generous that when I got the cold and gastro, I gave it to the one I love most - my boyfriend, Mark. So over the weekend he was driving me everywhere (to rehearsal, back home from Bankstown, yadda yadda yadda) and trying to take care of me that he eventually got sick himself - but, like, times ten. He got gastro big time. To the extent that this morning, he woke up at 3 and didn't stop vomiting until around about 9 or 10. He was on the drip from about 6.30 til midday, and after that he still felt a bit ill, but was able to get home and kinda relax. I felt kinda bad because I gave it to him, but also it was a chance to test my girlfriend capabilities - how much do I love this boy that I'm willing to clean out a bucket of his bile and watch him throw up every half an hour? I must admit, I think I love him quite a bit to endure it all... I felt sorry for him, because when he's sick, he gets quite sensitive, and I believe when someone's sick you can see the little kid in them, being vulnerable and helpless and in need of some tender loving care. Thankfully Mark is steadily recovering, and it makes me realise that when you live with someone as a couple, you share more than just a bed - woot! You share saliva and therefore sicknesses.

So in summary, in the past few days, I've done nothing terribly productive in terms of the many uni assignments I have, and I've been a horrible Christian, sister and girlfriend. But I've been able to finish more knitting (thanks to the few hours of waiting time in the emergency ward of Balmain Hospital and RPA), have more of an excuse to feed my brother liquid sugar, and have been able to take care of my boy to show him how much I love him dearly. I'll deal with uni work later.

But for now, I should resume my domestic duties. *Sigh* Laundry, cleaning, bah!



* Notice the hint of sarcasm there.
** She is now telling me to get Mark to convert to Catholicism too.
*** With TWO slurpees at the Easter Show! :D

Shananigans Galore

I've been busy... just a bit. Tonight is the final show that I'm doing with Alix, and is my second show for the year. Uni just started this week, and teaching has been going on for a while, but I'm hoping to have more teaching work soon, otherwise I may just as well get another job on top of what I have.

So everything has eventually started, and I already feel bombarded. I have quite a bit of work to do for uni, and I have a bit of work to do show wise as well... Med Revue is coming up and that I shall be having to find time to juggle for. I'm also doing Annie Get Your Gun with Waverly Lugar Brae Players, so therefore May is going to be one big motherf***er of a month with 2 shows and being 3 quarters into the uni session with assignments and assessments due everywhere.

Today has been the first day where I didn't really have to do anything... All day I lazed around, and slept - a lot - except for the show tonight. Today has been a really tired day, because I think I drank just a little bit too much wine last night, and my body is trying to recover.

On Thursday night, my parents went to see the show, and Mark's parents was also there. And now they've met. It was slightly nerve wracking, but nevertheless it was bound to happen, seeing as I think my parents seem to like him quite a bit, and his parents seem to like me quite a bit also. So it's all important that everything works out, because I seriously want it to work out... Mark is very important to me, and I do hope nothing will get in the way of this.

Doing photography this session, and I'm absolutely loving it so far. It's only been one week, but it's been a great learning how the camera works and stuff... I wanna go to COFA or some postgrad photography school and learn photography as an artform... It's quite inspiring, but I dunno whether I'll be good at it or not. We'll see how my assessments turn out.

There's so much to do in the next few weeks - do uni homework and readings, research on things, practice piano, go to galleries of photo exhibitions, etc. Knitting has also slowed down because I'm doing so much, and that makes me sad... I love knitting and there have been times where I don't feel like it, but there have been other times where I love doing it I can't stop!

Anyhow, I'm hoping to focus on my work, and balance between shows, uni and teaching. I was looking at my WAM not long ago, and it doesn't look too great. Not that I really need my degree for anything, but for someone who used to work hard, I feel as though not only did I let my parents down, I think I let myself down. But having Mark as a hardworking, intelligent boyfriend, I'm hoping I can do better this year, so that I graduate with something, or even get into Honours for next year (need a credit average for it). I dunno what I really wanna do, I kinda want to do well, but I kinda wanna just graduate and move on.

So, I should make my way to the show now... Have been bludging all day, but hopefully tomorrow I will pick up the pace and do all the work I need to do. :D

Trusting others and trusting yourself.

I feel as though I have a great amount of trust in people sometimes. Not to the general public, though, but towards friends and family.

One of my exs has told me that even though through all the hurt and confusion that I've been through love wise, I somehow seem to still have the ability to find love and possibility no matter what. He was definitely talking about Mark, and yah, even though I've been hurt quite a bit by boys treating me harshly, I still had the capability to be myself and fully immerse myself into my relationship with Mark.

So when I see friends having trouble trusting others when they are in the beginnings of a potential relationship or they seem interested in someone, they don't have the courage to pursue further because they don't trust the other person or themselves. And to be honest, I do try to understand and empathise, but sometimes I do think - just get over it, and be strong about it! Even though I myself am guilty of being lame in getting over things.

I think everything seems a bit rosy to me right now because I'm terribly happy in a relationship. We've been going out for 6 months now, and usually now is the time things go wrong (in every other relationship I've had), but right now it's perfect. So I don't know whether my positivity is due to my relationship with Mark, or whether I had this all the entire time. I must admit though, it didn't take me long to move on from one serious boyfriend to another - I think the longest time was around 3-4 months? And sometimes I feel that I haven't exactly gotten over the last one, but a few months into the current relationship, and I'm totally over it and smitten and just happy and on cloud nine.

I guess everyone approaches things their own way, but it kinda upsets me that some of my friends deny themselves of the same potential happiness that I have because they're afraid of getting hurt. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? If you don't experience hurt, all the good things that happen to you don't seem as special or as nice. I guess it is all relative, but I find that all the shit that happened to me made me appreciate the awesome things a lot lot more. Also, the hurt and bad and terrible experiences gives me something to talk about, rant about, and draw emotion from if I'm trying to do something creative and what not. But essentially, with all the crappy things around, there are good things to balance everything out.

I just wanna see my friends have courage to just get out there and get the happiness they deserve, and not worry about being hurt, and not worry about their image and self esteem, because to me they deserve it no matter what, and past experiences and stupid social conventions and superficiality should not get in the way of finding someone "to be home with", as one of my close friends would say.

Twas my birthday last week...

And it was heaps and heaps of fun. For a Wednesday, I thought it was a great turn out, and the fact that last year only, say, less than 10 people came to visit me for my birthday, this year there were roughly 40 or so special people who came.

The day started with a breakfast with my boy at the cafe we like to hang around in for breakfast, called "Le Petite Tart". Then I went into the city and bought my boyfriend his Valentine's Day gift. I know I could've done it the following day, but I didn't feel like it. I wanted to do it then and there. Then I came home, finished knitting a sock for my new iPod that I got from the parentals, and went out for a picnic with my old Angel friends. We had champagne and cheese and chocolate and port, and then we dawdled to The Different Drummer, which was where I was having my birthday gathering. I didn't know how many people were turning up, and the manager was like "You should've booked next time"... Saw a lot of cool friends and oldies from NUTS and 3ma, and lots of CSE revuers as well. Had a total of 10ish standard drinks because I had 5 cocktails during happy hour, it was awesome! Got totally drunk but had heaps of fun.

Got home at about 10 to midnight, and after Mark had a shower I was like "It's Valentine's Day! Open your present!" and he was ecstatic when he discovered it was a Pizza Oven! Basically it's a grill with a ceramic plate to make pizzas, and he was so excited, and I was so happy that he loved it! He got me for my birthday (and I told him not to worry about Valentines) a 160 gb hard drive to replace my old 40 gb because I complained how my iPod had more memory than my laptop! And for Valentine's Day we made pizza after he came home from work. It was yummy and heaps of fun to do!

Also caught up with my little brother the day before my birthday where he gave me the iPod and a $50 gift voucher for the iTunes store. He was very sweet, and the first thing he said when he saw me was "Happy Birthday for tomorrow Vanessa!" and gave me a hug. Makes me think I taught him well.

And another thing that caught me by surprise was a message from a student that I used to teach last year, smsing me to come back and teach them again because they miss me and asked whether they were that horrible to teach! I obviously said of course not, and that I miss teaching them as well. It was a surprise sms and it almost made me cry, but these type of things I can help, seeing as I can't really teach them anymore due to uni timetabling and everything.

I can't wait for uni to start. I need to start using my brain again, and moving around. I've been quite sedantry, but yah... sigh. I have been busy with rehearsals and shows, though, seems all so much! And teaching too. But I'm having fun, and life has been treating me well thus far.

And Mark moving in has been a blast. He's been really good so far, and it feels so nice waking up to him next to me in the morning. He's the perfect boyfriend, and I just feel so lucky to have him...

Oh and Birch's part was such fun too... Pity he's going to the states though. Got him this awesome book as a going away present - it was a picture book with a hole in the middle, so that the manhood can be a character in a story... Very amusing, and just Birch all over. He got all sentimental and saying "I love you" to everyone, which was really cute, and just being drunk Birch really.

So last week and weekend was quite a bit of fun. And even though I wasn't exactly looking forward to turning 23, I think this year would be a great year for me... Year of the Rat, which is my year, should be a great year for me. Let's hope that I finally finish a degree this year. Woot!

Holidays almost over...

So these holidays I think was quite productive, with sufficient rest and relaxing... What did I do?

1. Christmas with Mark's family: it was a nice trip, and I got to meet his extended family and spend Christmas with Mark.
   
2. Knitting: I took up more knitting, and I manage to finish 3 projects - 2 scarves and a quick job of making a sock for a friend's Nintendo DS console. I've bought a book and a magazine, and have started up another 2 projects - an aviator beanie for my little brother and a wrap possibly for my mother if she likes it.
3. TV series: Caught up with Scrubs Seasons 5 and 6, and am currently watching Gilmore Girls, and am up to Series 2.
4. De-cluttering: have gotten rid of some clothes - 2 bags worth! And did some cleaning around the house. Still need to get rid of some clothes, but cleared most of my things...
5. Hein's room makeover: That was fun, helped him out getting more things for his room, and reorganised his room with clothes racks and bedside tables and heaps and heaps of candles which is cool
6. My own room makeover: Mark got me some candle things, and he put them up on my wall, and put some hangings up on my wall as well.
   
7. Gym: this week I've been back at the gym, so hopefully I can keep it up for the rest of the year, or at least until my gym membership is over.
   
8. ISM: did some calls here and there, and did some retraining, and tried to organise my teaching schedule... I like organising my life, it's fun!
9. Marky Baby: yah, not only did I do him, he's moved in! He paid rent as of last week, and he's now an official member of our household. We'll see how this pans out. :D
   

So for someone who is terribly lazy, I did quite a bit for 4-5ish weeks. I caught up with friends, and I had a bit of alone time, and when school starts teaching starts, and then a month later uni starts... I'm slowly starting to get busy, doing a bit of accompanying for shows and stuff, and theatre is kicking off again.

I'm sad that holidays will be over, but I'm also excited to get busy again and start doing all these projects and finishing uni! :D