Reassessment

Been wondering about lots of things surrounding me at the moment:

Family: I thought that this year would be the year to spend more time with family. However, it's also potentially more time for me to screw things up around them. I noticed how last year, when I didn't hang out with family too much, I was less likely to screw up around them and get them angry at me. So this year, I've started working for Dad a little, and visiting them more often and just doing more things for them and with them, that when I stuff up it's just like old times when I was living at home, and I was just never good enough. That said, I really enjoy seeing my family from time to time, but I guess I should start looking at what I'm doing and seeing why my parents react the way they do. I must admit, as much as I hate to, parents are right sometimes.

Knitting: I'm knitting less. I'm blaming it on the weather at the moment, but I have so much yarn and so many projects that I still haven't finished 6 months after I've started. Am I starting to get over knitting? If so, that really makes me sad, because knitting for quite some time have provided me awesome friends and awesome creativity. I've learnt so much in the past 2 years through knitting, and I don't want it to necessarily end.

The Internet: I think I'm obsessed with it. I'm always on it. Facebook, Gchat, Gmail, MSN, Ravelry. And even when I'm done, I'm still on it looking at things unnecessarily. And I feel it's stopping me from doing anything productive, like going through my wardrobe to get rid of clothes and reorganising the way I hang everything and such.

My career: This is what I'm most upset about. I'm confused with what I truly want to do. I'm lacking direction. Do I open a music school? Do I keep teaching, then travel heaps and then come back and settle down? Do I pursue directing and continue to not earn much money because to be in theatre you have to make sacrifices? I don't want to spend another year to "figure things out", but it feels that way.

Myself: Need to be comfortable with myself, and also just accept that things will not always go my way or that I can't get what I want all the time. I need to respect myself and also take responsibility and respect others. I need to actually motivate myself to do things and take action, as opposed to just talking about things. Like I am now. In a sense I'm happy with where I'm at and what I've been through, but there are aspects about me that I'm not truly happy with. I guess it's just time to do it now, now that I no longer have to study and such.

So let's see what my 26th year on earth has in store for me.

Girl Crushes

So I've noticed that if I were ever to be a man or a lesbian, I kinda have a type in which I go for in terms of looks for girls.

Zooey Deschanel


First saw her in the movie with Jim Carey in Yes Man, and then fell in love with her in 500 Days of Summer (as well as crushing on Joseph Gordon-Levitt). Last night I saw her her in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and yes, she's so cute. Her husky voice and her blue eyes...

Katy Perry


She writes most of her own music, and she also has a sort of husky quality to her voice. Katy also looks a bit like Zooey too, with the dark hair and blue eyes. I also like Katy's sense of style - a mix match of vintage and quirky, and basically fairly out there (but not as out there as Lady Gaga...). Katy also has curves.

Maggie Gyllenhaal




Loved her in Secretary with James Spader, which is where I first saw her. Her transformation in that movie was awesome, and as an actress I always thought she was cool. I also loved her in Stranger Than Fiction with Will Ferrell, and even though they look like an odd pairing, I so would go for a threesome with them! :P

Dianna Agron


Plays Quinn Fabray in Glee, and she's basically the first blonde I really like. Her facial features just seem in such even proportion, and in the series when she starts wearing normal clothes and not wear her cheerleader outfit, she's quite feminine and pretty.

Marion Cotillard


She was quirky and cute in Love Me If You Dare, one of my favourite movies of all time. She was brilliant depicting Edith Piaf in La Vie En Rose, and I'm totally looking forward to seeing her in Nine. Marion also has something that seems a bit French about her, I don't know what, but I think it's mainly because I first saw her in a French film.

So out of this list, I think I've come to the conclusion that I mostly like brunettes who are fairly feminine and slightly quirky. The eyes, I think, do it for me, as they all seem to have this slight innocence yet seductiveness to their looks. It also helps that they are in movies, shows or make music that I like...

Just a random thought I thought I'd share. :P

There is a change happening

And I want it to happen to me soon. Apparently I have an element of psychic in me that I need to nurture and tap into more. This could also be utter bullshit, but I've been told by more than one person. And those people were fortune tellers, so still, can be bullshit.

But I feel a change coming on. Or rather I WANT a frigging change to happen. I know, I know, I have to do things to MAKE this happen, but there are some things beyond my control, and my heart and mind are willing it to happen.

We'll see, I think turning 25 next month will be a significant time for me, and being 25 will also be an interesting year for me.

Is it just a matter of wanting what I can't have? I'm scared that's all it is to it, and once I have it I'll probably don't want it anymore. But right now the want is so great, it's slightly frustrating.

I should also stop being vague. :D

In other news, here's a clip dedicated to the current weather and how awesome the 90s were.

Back to the Hood

This weekend I took the opportunity to catch up with friends from when I lived in Bankstown who I haven't seen in around two years or something crazy. It's amazing to see where my friends are up to at the moment - marriage, babies, mortgages, etc.

I went to church with my family for the first time in yonks, and saw how a couple of my friends are now married with kids. They're around my age or a year or two older, and I was like - wow. I'm now at an age where everyone is settling down and starting families. It's the age of "responsibility".

I have friends who have a son together, and their son is absolutely gorgeous. He's almost 2 (in a week), and he's very clever for his age - could recognise colours and is making an effort to identify objects. He warmed up to me straight away, and kept showing off his new toys and such, bringing me a different car of his and trying to play ball with me. He's half Polish, half Vietnamese, so you could imagine how absolutely adorable this boy is - I was totally in love. Made me hideously clucky, and when he was giving me hugs goodbye I just wanted to take him home. He was pretty sociable and I said to his parents that he would become a heart breaker one day, because he seems absolutely charming. He was a good kid, who kept amusing himself, and was very inquisitive about things and loved to share.

Then the dad of this kid brings up a newspaper article (which funnily enough my housemate brings up later that evening) about how Bankstown is one of the top 10 suburbs in Sydney to have had the most births in the past year. Blacktown is the highest one, with something like 550 births registered last year - crazy. I see lots of babies around Bankstown, and having at least 4-5 friends around my age having just had kids, I don't find it hard to believe at all.

I obviously am not in a position to have kids yet. Hell, don't have a partner to have one with! But I'm not afraid of kids, and in fact I would love some, just not now. Or I guess it'll just happen when I'm ready... Sometimes you can't really predict when you become a parent - it can come sooner than you think if one is not careful. And when you are ready, it may take some time before your wishes are fulfilled. But I see little kids, especially the toddler stage of around two or three, and my heart melts. Seeing as I don't see myself dating another Asian (no offense to the Asian guys I know), I imagine my son to look similar to my friends' son I met for the first time today, and I think that's probably why I was extremely clucky.

Here's to those who are getting married, buying their first property, and having kids. I shall one day catch up to you guys one day, but for the meantime I'm going to be single, partying and travelling whilst I'm not tied down with responsibility. I'm guessing it's just not my time yet.

The token New Year entry.

Am I the only one who's fairly apathetic about the New Year? I think I am. I guess people take this opportunity to start afresh, to forget all the crap that happened the year before, and move on with new (or not so new) resolutions.

Why am I apathetic? I believe that we don't need a date to dictate a new attitude and hope. Things should change no matter the date. We don't need a date to reflect on who we are and what we were and what has been done, as that can be done any old time in the year.

Fair enough use this time as an excuse to party and get drunk, but I've used every Saturday night as an excuse to party and get drunk. :D Fair enough use this time to lose the extra kilos, to read those books, to do more exercise, to eat more healthily, to save more money. And as per usual, try within the first month and by February you're back to your original habits. Cynical and sour? It's because I've been there, done that.

But if I were to reflect on 2009, I have been through a lot more than I expected. I made 4 wishes/goals that year, and fulfilled 3 of them. I only have one left, and I'm "carrying it over" to the new year, but to me it's just a constant goal no matter what time of the year it is. A break up, a degree, a bit of soul-searching here and there.

Lots of wine, bodies, words, music, sighing, touching, talking, looking, seeing, hugging, loving, hating, empathising, sympathising, crying, laughing, sexing, kissing, lusting, lying, truth.

Lots of living.

But I need more of me. I've noticed I've attended to so many (sounds egotistic I know), and I do have lots of friends around me who love and care for me, and I've got a loving family who also love and care for me unconditionally. I sit thinking about the many hims, yet they don't think the same way about me. I highly doubt they're thinking the same about me, and I need to get myself out of that rut and just think of me.

So if I were to make any resolution then this is it - it's just me. I'm on the top of the list. I don't need to care of anyone else anymore. Things are for me and me only. Lots of me. I think my heart and mind is worn and tired from caring and giving and teaching and nurturing. But I have a feeling it's going to be so hard for me, because I know that naturally I am compliant, giving and generous most of the time.

Here's to being selfish for once. Even if it's just for a month, so that if or when I fall back to my previous habits when the effort wears off by the second month, I can say I tried.

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la la, la la la la...

First time in a while where I've been single for Christmas. Must say it's a raw feeling to have. I thought I'd be used to this whole singledom by now, but I'm still adjusting. But being surrounded by friends and family does make it feel a lot better, and I do feel loved by those around me.

There's something about holidays that, even though it physicallly isn't anything different to any other day of the year, mentally and emotionally there is a certain hype or expectation that it has to be "special". In a sense it's a special day because it's a specific day to spend with loved ones, but what I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't have to wait to be a "special" day for us to give presents and say that you love and care for them. It should happen more often throughout the year... But, you know, lifestyle, work, busy-ness, blah blah blah prevents that from happening at times.

I guess from this thought I'm going to try and make more of an effort to spend time with family next year. I know this year I've been a bit slack, and not seeing my parents and little brother as often as I should. I try to do it weekly, but sometimes I miss a couple of weekends here and there due to commitments or laziness.... But yah, I know family will always be there for me, no matter what, and I should take the time to appreciate them and be there to show I care as well.


And with special holidays come family traditions, one of them is going to my Grandma's and having a family bbq. Caught up with cousins, aunts and uncles that I haven't seen since Easter. I have family that live in Dubbo, and they come up to Sydney every Christmas and Easter to see us. They happen to be my favourite aunt and uncle Linh and Nhan, and have 4 kids (I may have mentioned this before) - Nathan, Trudy, Coorey and the new addition (who was baptised earlier this year at Easter) Celyna. And she is sooooo cute! My aunt is totally in love.

Then I was to Gee's place for her birthday - Happy Birthday Gee!!! She turned 24 on the 24th, and had a red themed party. She was lovely to cook for us a dinner, and served sangria as part of the red theme. She also made this awesome icecream, and oh my was it diabetes central but oh so good!

And the traditional Midnight Mass. For me it's a family tradition to always go. I managed to stay awake (thanks to the awesomeness of computer midi music), and it was lovely to be back to my old parish and be recognised still, and caught up with a couple of old friends in the meantime. I kinda miss the church community, however I don't quite miss the ritual of going to church... Quite like my sleep ins on Sunday, thanks. :D

Followed by the opening of pressies - Dad and Tony liked their presents from me. Got Dad a Saba collared buttoned shirt in a steel grey colour, short sleeved for summer, from the David Jones sale in the city. He really really liked it, and Mum was impressed just by the label (sigh). Tony really loved his Chaser Annual book that was signed especially for him (the Chaser guys were at Broadway and I took advantage of that). He also got a shirt that I bought from the Finders Keepers market, which he appreciated, but not as much as the autographed Chaser Annual.

But Mum however, she didn't like the shoes I bought her. They were really pretty black heels, but Mum doesn't wear heels anymore. And the first thing she says when she opened her present was "Oh how extremely tall is this! I can't wear this, I'll trip over and die!". You see - she's shorter than me, and for my whole entire life I've known her to wear heels. But this year, she's gone crazy, and decided NOT to wear heels the ONE year I buy her shoes for Christmas. It is another example of how I cannot win when it comes buying presents for Mum - it's never up to her standard. She will always find something to complain about, even if it was something she requested. Sometimes I wish I never bothered with it, but hey - she gave it back to me and the great thing about that is that we have the same size feet. So I have scored myself some awesome pair of shoes, and glad I like it too...

Anyways - shall no longer bore you with my Christmas Day... Safe holidays everyone, and remember not to always wait until Christmas to show that you love and care for someone. :D

LOOK LOOK LOOK!!!!

I can now add Bachelor of Music to my name. :D Finally, after 6/7 years, I have a frigging degree.

So... now what? I have no idea. Let's see what 2010 has to offer. :P