The token New Year entry.

Am I the only one who's fairly apathetic about the New Year? I think I am. I guess people take this opportunity to start afresh, to forget all the crap that happened the year before, and move on with new (or not so new) resolutions.

Why am I apathetic? I believe that we don't need a date to dictate a new attitude and hope. Things should change no matter the date. We don't need a date to reflect on who we are and what we were and what has been done, as that can be done any old time in the year.

Fair enough use this time as an excuse to party and get drunk, but I've used every Saturday night as an excuse to party and get drunk. :D Fair enough use this time to lose the extra kilos, to read those books, to do more exercise, to eat more healthily, to save more money. And as per usual, try within the first month and by February you're back to your original habits. Cynical and sour? It's because I've been there, done that.

But if I were to reflect on 2009, I have been through a lot more than I expected. I made 4 wishes/goals that year, and fulfilled 3 of them. I only have one left, and I'm "carrying it over" to the new year, but to me it's just a constant goal no matter what time of the year it is. A break up, a degree, a bit of soul-searching here and there.

Lots of wine, bodies, words, music, sighing, touching, talking, looking, seeing, hugging, loving, hating, empathising, sympathising, crying, laughing, sexing, kissing, lusting, lying, truth.

Lots of living.

But I need more of me. I've noticed I've attended to so many (sounds egotistic I know), and I do have lots of friends around me who love and care for me, and I've got a loving family who also love and care for me unconditionally. I sit thinking about the many hims, yet they don't think the same way about me. I highly doubt they're thinking the same about me, and I need to get myself out of that rut and just think of me.

So if I were to make any resolution then this is it - it's just me. I'm on the top of the list. I don't need to care of anyone else anymore. Things are for me and me only. Lots of me. I think my heart and mind is worn and tired from caring and giving and teaching and nurturing. But I have a feeling it's going to be so hard for me, because I know that naturally I am compliant, giving and generous most of the time.

Here's to being selfish for once. Even if it's just for a month, so that if or when I fall back to my previous habits when the effort wears off by the second month, I can say I tried.