I'm a Catholic, a sister, a girlfriend, and above all other things, terrible.

*****Warning: It's a long entry, so if you don't read it now, I'll rant it to you in person.*****

So the Easter break comes by, and what decides to come to greet me? A dose of the cold and gastro. It was fun*.

I didn't go to Good Friday mass, and, I must admit, I had the Catholic guilt tugging behind me like a puppy with three legs and one eye. I have been raised by a very Catholic family, whom are funnily enough not always the most Christian people I know. When I say Christian, I mean forgiving, sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, loving, generous - the virtues that the religion tends to try and educate en masse. My dad, ironically, I think is more Christian than my mother, even though Dad converted into Catholicism to marry my mother because my mother demanded it**. My mother, however, even though I do love her, forgives but never forgets (which in my mind, I don't think is real forgiveness), is hardly sympathetic because she thinks I'm the drama queen and even though I know she loves me, sometimes I find it hard to accept it when all she does is criticise my every move and my physical being. Dad does more volunteer work in the church than mum does, so when my mother tells me off for not going to church I don't feel that guilty, because even though mum has been going to church without fail for the past few years, I haven't seen her become more generous in her time, or more sympathetic towards others (especially when it's all about gossip), or more understanding. I claim I'm a non-ritualistic Catholic - that I do appreciate going to mass, but just not on a weekly basis, and I still believe most of the teachings the church provides (I just don't agree with some of the doctrines, like sex before marriage, and contraception, and abortion... but let's talk about that another time).

I know it's easy to criticise and be hypocritical, and I must admit I am hypocritical at the best of times, but for my mother to tell me off because I haven't been to church even though my mother going to church without fail for the past few years hasn't really stopped her from being as "sinful" as me, then I think I'm entitled to my break from religion. It's been the first time in (probably) my whole entire life that I've missed a Good Friday mass, and one out of 23 ain't that bad.

Due to my sickness, I was a bit low energy for Med Revue, and following that I was totally focusing on recovering on Tuesday for one of my bosses. Being aloof and always double booking myself, over the weekend I also agreed to picking up Tony after school on Tuesday... but forgot. So when I got a missed phone call from home at the end of teaching my last class on Tuesday afternoon, the first reaction was "SHIT! I FORGOT TONY!" and called him straight away. Thankfully he took the bus to my place and was waiting outside, and whilst waiting he was doing his homework, but for a good 2.5 hours he was left wondering where I was and why I haven't picked him up. I got there, and he was all forgiving and said "That's ok..." but I knew deep down inside he was hurt because someone close to him had the ability to forget about him. I remember when I was younger my dad always took his sweet time picking me up, and one stage I thought he forgot me when I was left at school for a good hour or so. There was also once on a Parent/Teacher interview night where he was a good hour and a half late, and I hated to keep the teachers waiting, and for someone who declared that my education was very important and that I had to be top of the class, he seemed a bit careless when it actually came to showing that to others besides myself. So when Tony told me that he wasn't angry at me, just slightly upset, I truly felt what he was feeling and I became that horrible monster that dad was when I was crying to myself anxiously waiting near the gates of the school, wondering why I was so forgettable. I also now know how life and work can get the better of you, that you tend to forget that there are those who still depend on you and they're around you hanging on for your next word, but you're too self-absorbed to even notice. I'm so sorry Tony, and I swear I'll make it up to you***.

And whenever I talk to people about religion, and I tell them that I'm Catholic (and don't worry, I'm not that devout), I say that the one thing that I'm totally grateful for is the fact that I've learnt to be generous through being Catholic. So generous that when I got the cold and gastro, I gave it to the one I love most - my boyfriend, Mark. So over the weekend he was driving me everywhere (to rehearsal, back home from Bankstown, yadda yadda yadda) and trying to take care of me that he eventually got sick himself - but, like, times ten. He got gastro big time. To the extent that this morning, he woke up at 3 and didn't stop vomiting until around about 9 or 10. He was on the drip from about 6.30 til midday, and after that he still felt a bit ill, but was able to get home and kinda relax. I felt kinda bad because I gave it to him, but also it was a chance to test my girlfriend capabilities - how much do I love this boy that I'm willing to clean out a bucket of his bile and watch him throw up every half an hour? I must admit, I think I love him quite a bit to endure it all... I felt sorry for him, because when he's sick, he gets quite sensitive, and I believe when someone's sick you can see the little kid in them, being vulnerable and helpless and in need of some tender loving care. Thankfully Mark is steadily recovering, and it makes me realise that when you live with someone as a couple, you share more than just a bed - woot! You share saliva and therefore sicknesses.

So in summary, in the past few days, I've done nothing terribly productive in terms of the many uni assignments I have, and I've been a horrible Christian, sister and girlfriend. But I've been able to finish more knitting (thanks to the few hours of waiting time in the emergency ward of Balmain Hospital and RPA), have more of an excuse to feed my brother liquid sugar, and have been able to take care of my boy to show him how much I love him dearly. I'll deal with uni work later.

But for now, I should resume my domestic duties. *Sigh* Laundry, cleaning, bah!

* Notice the hint of sarcasm there.
** She is now telling me to get Mark to convert to Catholicism too.
*** With TWO slurpees at the Easter Show! :D

comments: 1


i always look at christianity as a beauty and very 'insert good stuff' religion and people out there are just trying to make it more dramatic cos they're insecure... like they make all these extra rules and lure others to join and stuff.. i'm sure there are different types of christianity but yeah i just think jesus would just want u to be who you are and what you are cos if being gay was bad and all, that would lead to self loathing and self lies.. which is part of the very important 'not to do' list.. so yeah.. i think ur way of being a christian works pretty well and i'm quite glad u're a practical christian...

about tony, he's cute.. i'm sure as a bro he'll forgive u... and ur mom sounds like my grandma.. at times cos they're so free and such, they tend to do nothing but think or worry negatively towards little things..

and if u hadn't given mark the gastro, u wouldn't have the chance to prove to him that u can stand watching him puke and cleaning it up.. i remember sitting beside simon all night while he puke and had his face stuck to the toilet bowl lol

btw, ness, i think you're a good person with a beautiful soul
and i think what u're going through is normal :P in fact, i've been a drama queen these days just like u LOL