Stuff and procrastination

So I'm procrastinating again. From what?, you may ask. A dreaded essay which is already 5 days late. And when I hopefully finish it tonight or tomorrow morning, I have another 3000 word essay due the following week, plus my log book which is 4 or 5 entries behind (that means roughly 600-750 words that I need to catch up on, but it's basically on my opinion and what I've learnt and possibly extra reading, which is a good thing I guess).

I'm the opposite of Mark, I think. Despite the obvious reasons being he's a boy and I'm a girl, I'm physically Asian (although I feel as though my mindset ain't) and he's such a white boy, it's pretty obvious that Mark is the hard worker and, like, I'm not. :D I'm definitely not an academic, even though people may say I'm kinda smart and what not (I'm not that smart, I think my boy is like ten times smarter than me), and in order to show that I'm "smart" I have to work pretty hard and to be honest, I can't be bothered.

My parents are wanting me to finish my degree sooner rather than later. I told my dad the other day that due to timetabling I may just have to stay back for another session and finish just one subject off, but that will allow me to work full time and start saving money to go overseas with my gorgeous boy for a whole year. Dad didn't seem to like that prospect. But I do want to travel whilst Mark and I are old enough to be brave and try new things, but not be too young and naive that we'd make stupid mistakes or we're not allowed to do things like drink alcohol in the US (I'm kinda thankful that I've left it til after I'm 21 to go there, otherwise Vegas would be boring... it was boring when I was there as a 7 year old).

I actually can't wait to start full time teaching. I don't mind teaching for a year or so. I do eventually wanna do something like Honours or Masters if I get to choose what I want to study. For my masters I wanna do film studies at UTS possibly, and learn how to make a film all over again. I didn't really enjoy film theory at UNSW, and as much as I enjoyed studying about film genres, I still hate writing essays.

I've discovered that I'm probably ten times better at doing things like presentations. I got a distinction the other day thinking that I was under prepared for that presentation, but she commented on how I explained my topic thoroughly and answered the questions well and what not, and the mark was almost a HD. But my writing is shocking - it was only Credit standard, and it exemplifies how I just don't like writing. First and Second year stuff were a bit easier and less words and all, and about topics that I know thoroughly well, but for Aboriginal music (this essay which is already 5 days late) I feel inadequate again, and I hate my writing style, as I feel it is mediocre and just not academic enough. Sigh... If I do decide to do Honours or Masters, it'll definitely be mostly, if not all, course work, and not Thesis work. And the thesis work involved will definitely be of a topic that interests me thoroughly. :D

After this affirmation that I hate essay writing, I also came to think that I'm one of the most fickle people around. One day I would say I wanna go back to studying, and the next day I wanna go into full time work. But I can't really get into full time work without a degree, although the part-time job I have at the moment wants me on full-time, and it shows that I don't need a degree in order to do this job. I can't wait until next year where all I need to worry about is teaching during the day, and I could do things like procrastinate on the internet and knit and stuff in my spare time. And probably hang out and do things like watch movies and theatre, and go out and be creative and all that. Maybe the extent of my learnings would be to take up a photography course online so that I can take awesome photos by the time I go overseas...

Anyhows, now that shows are dying down and I'm getting less busy, I really need to concentrate and ho-down on my assignments for the next two weeks until uni finishes. This really shows that I'm pretty good at starting things, just not finishing things... and you could probably tell by my knitting - ten zillion projects at the one time, but have I really finished many? Nah...

Oh, and Markyboo is going to Greece this Friday for the Artemis Project Competition. I'm tres excited for him! His syndicate is entering a Clarinet playing robot, and apparently it's quite behind schedule, but hopefully all will be well once it gets there. Gonna miss him for a whole week! We've been spending every day with eachother for the past 5 or so months, it's been crazy! Also, we've been going out for 9 months already... 3 more months and it'll be a year. It would be my first ever official long term relationship, I wonder what else is in store!

I'm a Catholic, a sister, a girlfriend, and above all other things, terrible.

*****Warning: It's a long entry, so if you don't read it now, I'll rant it to you in person.*****

So the Easter break comes by, and what decides to come to greet me? A dose of the cold and gastro. It was fun*.

I didn't go to Good Friday mass, and, I must admit, I had the Catholic guilt tugging behind me like a puppy with three legs and one eye. I have been raised by a very Catholic family, whom are funnily enough not always the most Christian people I know. When I say Christian, I mean forgiving, sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, loving, generous - the virtues that the religion tends to try and educate en masse. My dad, ironically, I think is more Christian than my mother, even though Dad converted into Catholicism to marry my mother because my mother demanded it**. My mother, however, even though I do love her, forgives but never forgets (which in my mind, I don't think is real forgiveness), is hardly sympathetic because she thinks I'm the drama queen and even though I know she loves me, sometimes I find it hard to accept it when all she does is criticise my every move and my physical being. Dad does more volunteer work in the church than mum does, so when my mother tells me off for not going to church I don't feel that guilty, because even though mum has been going to church without fail for the past few years, I haven't seen her become more generous in her time, or more sympathetic towards others (especially when it's all about gossip), or more understanding. I claim I'm a non-ritualistic Catholic - that I do appreciate going to mass, but just not on a weekly basis, and I still believe most of the teachings the church provides (I just don't agree with some of the doctrines, like sex before marriage, and contraception, and abortion... but let's talk about that another time).

I know it's easy to criticise and be hypocritical, and I must admit I am hypocritical at the best of times, but for my mother to tell me off because I haven't been to church even though my mother going to church without fail for the past few years hasn't really stopped her from being as "sinful" as me, then I think I'm entitled to my break from religion. It's been the first time in (probably) my whole entire life that I've missed a Good Friday mass, and one out of 23 ain't that bad.

Due to my sickness, I was a bit low energy for Med Revue, and following that I was totally focusing on recovering on Tuesday for one of my bosses. Being aloof and always double booking myself, over the weekend I also agreed to picking up Tony after school on Tuesday... but forgot. So when I got a missed phone call from home at the end of teaching my last class on Tuesday afternoon, the first reaction was "SHIT! I FORGOT TONY!" and called him straight away. Thankfully he took the bus to my place and was waiting outside, and whilst waiting he was doing his homework, but for a good 2.5 hours he was left wondering where I was and why I haven't picked him up. I got there, and he was all forgiving and said "That's ok..." but I knew deep down inside he was hurt because someone close to him had the ability to forget about him. I remember when I was younger my dad always took his sweet time picking me up, and one stage I thought he forgot me when I was left at school for a good hour or so. There was also once on a Parent/Teacher interview night where he was a good hour and a half late, and I hated to keep the teachers waiting, and for someone who declared that my education was very important and that I had to be top of the class, he seemed a bit careless when it actually came to showing that to others besides myself. So when Tony told me that he wasn't angry at me, just slightly upset, I truly felt what he was feeling and I became that horrible monster that dad was when I was crying to myself anxiously waiting near the gates of the school, wondering why I was so forgettable. I also now know how life and work can get the better of you, that you tend to forget that there are those who still depend on you and they're around you hanging on for your next word, but you're too self-absorbed to even notice. I'm so sorry Tony, and I swear I'll make it up to you***.

And whenever I talk to people about religion, and I tell them that I'm Catholic (and don't worry, I'm not that devout), I say that the one thing that I'm totally grateful for is the fact that I've learnt to be generous through being Catholic. So generous that when I got the cold and gastro, I gave it to the one I love most - my boyfriend, Mark. So over the weekend he was driving me everywhere (to rehearsal, back home from Bankstown, yadda yadda yadda) and trying to take care of me that he eventually got sick himself - but, like, times ten. He got gastro big time. To the extent that this morning, he woke up at 3 and didn't stop vomiting until around about 9 or 10. He was on the drip from about 6.30 til midday, and after that he still felt a bit ill, but was able to get home and kinda relax. I felt kinda bad because I gave it to him, but also it was a chance to test my girlfriend capabilities - how much do I love this boy that I'm willing to clean out a bucket of his bile and watch him throw up every half an hour? I must admit, I think I love him quite a bit to endure it all... I felt sorry for him, because when he's sick, he gets quite sensitive, and I believe when someone's sick you can see the little kid in them, being vulnerable and helpless and in need of some tender loving care. Thankfully Mark is steadily recovering, and it makes me realise that when you live with someone as a couple, you share more than just a bed - woot! You share saliva and therefore sicknesses.

So in summary, in the past few days, I've done nothing terribly productive in terms of the many uni assignments I have, and I've been a horrible Christian, sister and girlfriend. But I've been able to finish more knitting (thanks to the few hours of waiting time in the emergency ward of Balmain Hospital and RPA), have more of an excuse to feed my brother liquid sugar, and have been able to take care of my boy to show him how much I love him dearly. I'll deal with uni work later.

But for now, I should resume my domestic duties. *Sigh* Laundry, cleaning, bah!



* Notice the hint of sarcasm there.
** She is now telling me to get Mark to convert to Catholicism too.
*** With TWO slurpees at the Easter Show! :D

so this is christmas...

it's the last week of teaching, and i've been getting a few cool presents from my students... today has been an exciting day for me!

got heaps of chocolate of course, and got my first bottle of wine the other day. also got some cupcake candles, and a music mug, and these awesome sterling silver music earrings. the best one which seems to capture me quite well is this cupcake cushion (see pic below) - it's a strawberry cupcake with little strawberries on top, and it's random and cute and just really cool. and the two best presents i got are from really good students, so maybe i should get students to be more awesome, and they will in return give me more awesome stuff. :D



and on monday mark asked me to come to queensland with him to visit his mum's side of the family, and spend time with his grandma in brisbane and noosa. i'm kinda looking forward to it, and kinda nervous about meeting and spending time with mark's family, but hopefully it'll all go well. the drive up to brisbane would be interesting - a good 10-12 hours with his parents in the same car, i'm sure there'll be a story out of that one somehow! :D

it'll be the first christmas that i've spent without my family, which is kinda interesting. it'll be with mark's family, so at least it's not on my own, but i hope my parents don't think i'm distancing myself too much away from them. but i'm totally in love with mark, and mark doesn't seem to not like time apart from me, and vice versa, so i hope my parents will understand.

it's been pretty awesome so far, and it's not even christmas yet. i have a new found appreciation for teaching (and no, it's not all about the presents, it's the fact that i've bonded with some of my students quite well, and it's gonna be disappointing if i don't teach some of them next year), and i'm excited about finishing my degree next year, and just hanging around with mark heaps. :D

a few more sleeps, and christmas will be here! and just to add, this is a photo that one of my closest friends hein took, and it sums up basically how much mark and i are in love with eachother... :D

Rainy Days and Disappointment....

I really have nothing to complain about. I do have it pretty good - an awesome boyfriend, an awesome household, a loving family (that's not part of household), a car and always some financial stability, whether it's from my well-paying part-time job or assistance from my family.

But for some reason, for the past few days, it's been kinda off.

Firstly, I was disappointed that I couldn't do that film course I wanted to do as a gen ed over summer because it had a prerequisite. That kinda burst my bubble in the hopes of making a short film.

Then came the gig that I was involved in recently at Bar Me, and the end payment was quite dismal. I was disappointed because I had to attend quite a few rehearsals between July and November (that was at least 4 months of weekly rehearsals) and to only come up with a small amount of money really disappointed me... And it wasn't as though the gig actually led me anywhere (except to Bar Me Open Mics, which are awesome).

Yesterday, I met up with Alex to discuss doing a short film together, and asked me to do the sound design, and for some reason I didn't seem excited about it. He noted that I seemed not my bubbly self, and I didn't know why I was just not into it, but I felt distanced and just not with it then.

Then I had to deal with a difficult class yesterday, and usually they're not that bad, but for some reason they were worse. The threats did not seem to have an effect, and so a stern "I'm disappointed in all the boys in the class" (there's only one girl, and she's pretty much well behaved, and was the only one to receive a sticker at the end of the class) in front of their parents made them realise that I was not happy with them.

But what kinda upset me was something someone said to me last night over the internet. Granted it was the internet and interpretation can be skewed, but it really affected me and I was upset. Which made me wake up dreary and upset this morning, and waking up to the rain even added to the slight depression. This made me not be in the mood for work experience, which has been awesome in the past week, but I just wanted time to myself today and therefore chucked a sickie.

I'm trying relatively hard at the moment to appreciate all the great things I have, including wonderful Mark and the work experience opportunity, and having a great support network around with friends and family, all the small shitty things that get in the way just makes me feel a bit worn down. I should possibly go off the pill maybe, and hopefully then this small bout of depression will disappear.

I do, however, appreciate the rain, and waking up to it in the morning makes me wanna stay in bed all day.

I kinda missed blogging...

There's something about typing about one's self that makes a great pass time... And yay, first sentence in and you already know that I'm lazy and a huge procrastinator!

I deleted my multiply account because I felt obliged to write an entry every so often, and when I did, it would be quite boring or just a whole heap of whinging. Don't get me wrong, I'll still whinge on this blog, but I have happier things to talk about now!

Anyhow, sometimes blogging has its advantages: friends who haven't seen you in a while can still update themselves with what's going on in your life, although the downside of that is sometimes there's not much left to say when you actually see them up front. But we all live busy lives (or at least I do for some periods of the year) and I just don't get to see so-and-so and so-and-so... Hopefully those so-and-sos will come across my blog and they'll be updated in the life of Ness!

Quick update:

1) I'm no longer single... Or officially single anyhow (those who know me well would have heard about the quasi relationship I had beforehand). His name is Mark and he's my favourite person in the world at the moment! I absolutely adore him, and he's just so cute and lovely and smart and considerate... I haven't felt strongly for a boy in a while - or maybe even ever! I sometimes think no, I shouldn't compare, but when I do, so far I don't remember being this happy in the beginning of a relationship compared to all the other relationships I've had previously. For once I told my parents about him and it wasn't a problem, and they seemed as though they genuinely want to meet him and see why I'm happy.

So relationship wise, it's been great. I can't help but smile heaps whenever I think of him, and how lucky I am to have found such a great guy to be with... *smitten*

2) Still studying after all these years... I should have graduated by now with a double degree if I were a diligent student. But I'm not. Also, it doesn't really help when you're not entirely clear of what you wanna do. Currently deferring UNSW and am at JMC doing Music Business Management... And to be honest, I miss UNSW. When I was at UNSW I was whinging and complaining (what's new?) about how it's very wanky and I'm studying subjects that I know I don't need in the next 5 years or so. Then transferring to JMC Academy, it made me appreciate academia. Standards at JMC aren't too high, and most of the things they teach are quite straight forward. So I'm thinking, leave this year with a Diploma instead of staying for the full 3 years for the degree, and go back to UNSW to finish my BMus and graduate. Hopefully then, I could possibly try and do Masters in Arts management over at UTS, or just go to work. Who knows what's going to happen in the next 2 years or so.

3) My family are cool... My parents still nag that I should do this and do that and that they're slightly disappointed with me, you know, the whole Asian shpeil. But they still love me - they still take care of me, they still take me out for dinners and let me join in on family holidays, and if I need their help they still give it to me. And from time they even ask for my help, and if I can I'm always willing to, because I appreciate them despite some of the things they say and do. They're family, and going against your own family says something about yourself.

My little brother is growing up! Well, I guess that's inevitable, but it was only yesterday when he was a cute, chubby toddler running around with curly hair and just being adorable. Now he's my height and talking about computer games and how girls should chase him, not the other way around... Tony is still adorable, and I do hope he grows up to be a great person. He can be considerate and kind, and I hope that part of his personality will stay as he goes through puberty and what not. Although my mother said something really disturbing last night - she wanted my little brother to stay at home when he gets married, and Dad and I automatically went "No!". That was a bit awkward - I mean, I thought marriage meant you live with your partner and create your own household. I would be disturbed if my mother was hanging around... Mum's rationale was so that Tony can save up money for a house if he wanted to. I'm like - at that stage, if he's married he'd probably have some sort of financial security and therefore would be able to afford a mortgage. I think my mum is afraid of being alone... but at least Dad and I were at the same wavelength - when Tony gets married, he can do whatever he wants. Although I'd be terribly shocked if Tony does decide to stay at home when he gets married....

4) Shows do take over your life sometimes. I'm currently doing CSE Revue, and they're such a lovely bunch of people... Well, that's where I met Mark - through band for the revue (which makes Mark even sexier because he plays a musical instrument - guitar, in fact). I have been having fun vocal directing, taking photos and playing keys again, and meeting a whole heap of new people as well as hanging out with a few familiars... My social circle has just increased twofold, and it's just a whole heap of fun. I still love my NUTS friends, and the Studio Four peeps, but I get restless, and I sometimes like meeting new people for the sake of meeting new people, and CSE Revue has given me that opportunity. Great friendships are going to blossom from this experience, and for that I'm glad. I'm also glad that I was able to get a romantic (and musical) hook up out of it as well!

5) Teaching little kiddies can be fun, but I know I won't be doing it forever. Although yesterday when I was teaching one of my students were sneezing and he was so adorable! Teaching sometimes makes me clucky, and want kids, but I know I don't want any anytime soon. I like this job because it pays relatively well, and is good for part-time work whilst stuyding, so I'm not fussed...

I think that's all for now, it's a relatively long entry about blah, but hopefully soon I'll write something profound.