End of an Era

As much as I hate to say this, I think tomorrow will be the last day of a period of my life where it has taken great significance, and has helped me to the place I am right now.

I think I may have fallen out of love of piano.

And it makes me sad to realise this, because piano has been a huge part of my life. But several years ago when I started my BMus (yes, it was that long ago), I realised I didn't have the same talent or dedication that some of my peers had, or the natural musicality and technique some of them carried. As of late, I've noticed it even more so. I feel fraudulant calling myself a "pianist" because I'm not of the calibre that most of my peers were at Uni and at my teacher's studio. For a while I tried really really hard - practicing hours on end, and just trying to get these damn Creole dances under my fingers. But in the end I got a decent mark (75), but not the marks that everyone else were getting - 80, 85, 90, 92... I know I shouldn't have to compare myself to others, and just do the best to my ability, but it made me sad that even when I do my best, I can never be the best.

Piano, however, introduced me to the world of theatre. With my piano skills, I was able to do some things, such as accompanying and being part of musical theatre shows. That's when my love of musical theatre started to grow substantially, and the skills that I attained through my degree and piano lessons enabled me to musical direct student theatre shows and just expose me to a great group of talented and fun friends, and to immerse myself in the wonderful world of musical theatre.

It has also made me realise that I'm not a performer. I know what I want to get out of it, but I can't seem to channel it, especially through the piano. I can tell people how, and I can observe and criticise, but to actually do it myself - somehow it just doesn't show. Same with my acting - not that I've done much acting, but I don't think I can fully be comfortable with myself to expose myself that way. Even with my singing - I think I have a couple of restrictions with my voice and even if I work hard at it and stuff, I don't think I can ever get to a level to some of my friends are.

Hence being comfortable taking the "director" chair, and telling other people to do it. I actually have a thrill seeing awesome theatre. I physically get chills down my spine. The first show I saw on Broadway, In the Heights, I cried. I had the whole "oh wow, this is theatre" feeling, and I was brought to another place. I've had friends' performances give me that feeling of "wow, magic" before. And I guess if I'm able to do a show where I get that for 75% of the performance (at least), I will feel as though I've succeeded.

So tomorrow, here's to passing my piano exam. All I want is this degree, and finish this part of my life. Start something new. I've finally found my calling - I really want to direct. I want to create and mould and visiualise and conceptualise. I want to wow, I want to make magic, I want to leave an impression. I want people to think and realise and empathise and sypmathise and just want. I don't think I've ever been this sure about my life in a very long, long time.