The token New Year entry.

Am I the only one who's fairly apathetic about the New Year? I think I am. I guess people take this opportunity to start afresh, to forget all the crap that happened the year before, and move on with new (or not so new) resolutions.

Why am I apathetic? I believe that we don't need a date to dictate a new attitude and hope. Things should change no matter the date. We don't need a date to reflect on who we are and what we were and what has been done, as that can be done any old time in the year.

Fair enough use this time as an excuse to party and get drunk, but I've used every Saturday night as an excuse to party and get drunk. :D Fair enough use this time to lose the extra kilos, to read those books, to do more exercise, to eat more healthily, to save more money. And as per usual, try within the first month and by February you're back to your original habits. Cynical and sour? It's because I've been there, done that.

But if I were to reflect on 2009, I have been through a lot more than I expected. I made 4 wishes/goals that year, and fulfilled 3 of them. I only have one left, and I'm "carrying it over" to the new year, but to me it's just a constant goal no matter what time of the year it is. A break up, a degree, a bit of soul-searching here and there.

Lots of wine, bodies, words, music, sighing, touching, talking, looking, seeing, hugging, loving, hating, empathising, sympathising, crying, laughing, sexing, kissing, lusting, lying, truth.

Lots of living.

But I need more of me. I've noticed I've attended to so many (sounds egotistic I know), and I do have lots of friends around me who love and care for me, and I've got a loving family who also love and care for me unconditionally. I sit thinking about the many hims, yet they don't think the same way about me. I highly doubt they're thinking the same about me, and I need to get myself out of that rut and just think of me.

So if I were to make any resolution then this is it - it's just me. I'm on the top of the list. I don't need to care of anyone else anymore. Things are for me and me only. Lots of me. I think my heart and mind is worn and tired from caring and giving and teaching and nurturing. But I have a feeling it's going to be so hard for me, because I know that naturally I am compliant, giving and generous most of the time.

Here's to being selfish for once. Even if it's just for a month, so that if or when I fall back to my previous habits when the effort wears off by the second month, I can say I tried.

Tis the season to be jolly

Fa la la la la, la la la la...

First time in a while where I've been single for Christmas. Must say it's a raw feeling to have. I thought I'd be used to this whole singledom by now, but I'm still adjusting. But being surrounded by friends and family does make it feel a lot better, and I do feel loved by those around me.

There's something about holidays that, even though it physicallly isn't anything different to any other day of the year, mentally and emotionally there is a certain hype or expectation that it has to be "special". In a sense it's a special day because it's a specific day to spend with loved ones, but what I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't have to wait to be a "special" day for us to give presents and say that you love and care for them. It should happen more often throughout the year... But, you know, lifestyle, work, busy-ness, blah blah blah prevents that from happening at times.

I guess from this thought I'm going to try and make more of an effort to spend time with family next year. I know this year I've been a bit slack, and not seeing my parents and little brother as often as I should. I try to do it weekly, but sometimes I miss a couple of weekends here and there due to commitments or laziness.... But yah, I know family will always be there for me, no matter what, and I should take the time to appreciate them and be there to show I care as well.


And with special holidays come family traditions, one of them is going to my Grandma's and having a family bbq. Caught up with cousins, aunts and uncles that I haven't seen since Easter. I have family that live in Dubbo, and they come up to Sydney every Christmas and Easter to see us. They happen to be my favourite aunt and uncle Linh and Nhan, and have 4 kids (I may have mentioned this before) - Nathan, Trudy, Coorey and the new addition (who was baptised earlier this year at Easter) Celyna. And she is sooooo cute! My aunt is totally in love.

Then I was to Gee's place for her birthday - Happy Birthday Gee!!! She turned 24 on the 24th, and had a red themed party. She was lovely to cook for us a dinner, and served sangria as part of the red theme. She also made this awesome icecream, and oh my was it diabetes central but oh so good!

And the traditional Midnight Mass. For me it's a family tradition to always go. I managed to stay awake (thanks to the awesomeness of computer midi music), and it was lovely to be back to my old parish and be recognised still, and caught up with a couple of old friends in the meantime. I kinda miss the church community, however I don't quite miss the ritual of going to church... Quite like my sleep ins on Sunday, thanks. :D

Followed by the opening of pressies - Dad and Tony liked their presents from me. Got Dad a Saba collared buttoned shirt in a steel grey colour, short sleeved for summer, from the David Jones sale in the city. He really really liked it, and Mum was impressed just by the label (sigh). Tony really loved his Chaser Annual book that was signed especially for him (the Chaser guys were at Broadway and I took advantage of that). He also got a shirt that I bought from the Finders Keepers market, which he appreciated, but not as much as the autographed Chaser Annual.

But Mum however, she didn't like the shoes I bought her. They were really pretty black heels, but Mum doesn't wear heels anymore. And the first thing she says when she opened her present was "Oh how extremely tall is this! I can't wear this, I'll trip over and die!". You see - she's shorter than me, and for my whole entire life I've known her to wear heels. But this year, she's gone crazy, and decided NOT to wear heels the ONE year I buy her shoes for Christmas. It is another example of how I cannot win when it comes buying presents for Mum - it's never up to her standard. She will always find something to complain about, even if it was something she requested. Sometimes I wish I never bothered with it, but hey - she gave it back to me and the great thing about that is that we have the same size feet. So I have scored myself some awesome pair of shoes, and glad I like it too...

Anyways - shall no longer bore you with my Christmas Day... Safe holidays everyone, and remember not to always wait until Christmas to show that you love and care for someone. :D

LOOK LOOK LOOK!!!!

I can now add Bachelor of Music to my name. :D Finally, after 6/7 years, I have a frigging degree.

So... now what? I have no idea. Let's see what 2010 has to offer. :P

Tribute to Oscar

It was love at first sight -
Your gorgeous round face and big, bright eyes.
You started talking, I was engaged,
You had a way of capturing people's attention.

A sociable one, approaching people and making them feel loved,
But not one for being egotistical or too proud.
You knew you were handsome, yet you weren't one to flaunt,
Instead you would freely share your affection.

You were loyal towards me until the very end,
Following me and waiting for me.
Your concerns when I came home late,
Sitting (im)patiently at the end of the hallway
Or on my bed - the stare from you was priceless!

I will miss your playfullness,
Your talkative times and your headbutts.
Our cuddles will be reminisced
And the lazy times where we'd chill out in bed.



Although brief, our time together was awesome.
You've made an impression not only on me
But on others whom you have met along the way.
Be good, Oscar... Remember me as the one
Who gave you that tartan collar
And lots of love, kisses and headbutts.


I'll miss you Oscar!!!! I hope to meet another cat just like you. Hugs and kisses from afar!

Inspiration

Last weekend was one of the most fun but most bizarre weekends ever, as a couple of things happened that I had least expected. That is, not everything went to plan.

HOWEVER, I now have a new brainchild. I was so excited by it on Monday night that I didn't sleep until 1am. I'm starting to calm down about it, but I was just telling all my closest friends and everything. I love being inspired, and I love having projects in mind. Difference is whether I actually fulfil them or not. I feel as though next year is the year of huge projects, and I'm going to go through at least the two I have in mind.

Sorry for being vague, but I am tres excited!

In other news, I'm trying to get back into normal life... Or at least start a new routine. Have joined a gym last week, so I should utilise that ASAP otherwise it's another waste of moneys. Have quite a few social events this week that I'm looking forward to, and this weekend looks like a huge weekend coming up as well! A dinner party, a picnic, another party, a show maybe, and then Britney's concert on Monday. Yes, I'm going to see Britney mime. :D

I'm just totally excited about life now! It's the greatest feeling, really.

IT'S OVER!!!!

RED ROVER!!!!! :D

I can't explain the relief I feel right now....

End of an Era

As much as I hate to say this, I think tomorrow will be the last day of a period of my life where it has taken great significance, and has helped me to the place I am right now.

I think I may have fallen out of love of piano.

And it makes me sad to realise this, because piano has been a huge part of my life. But several years ago when I started my BMus (yes, it was that long ago), I realised I didn't have the same talent or dedication that some of my peers had, or the natural musicality and technique some of them carried. As of late, I've noticed it even more so. I feel fraudulant calling myself a "pianist" because I'm not of the calibre that most of my peers were at Uni and at my teacher's studio. For a while I tried really really hard - practicing hours on end, and just trying to get these damn Creole dances under my fingers. But in the end I got a decent mark (75), but not the marks that everyone else were getting - 80, 85, 90, 92... I know I shouldn't have to compare myself to others, and just do the best to my ability, but it made me sad that even when I do my best, I can never be the best.

Piano, however, introduced me to the world of theatre. With my piano skills, I was able to do some things, such as accompanying and being part of musical theatre shows. That's when my love of musical theatre started to grow substantially, and the skills that I attained through my degree and piano lessons enabled me to musical direct student theatre shows and just expose me to a great group of talented and fun friends, and to immerse myself in the wonderful world of musical theatre.

It has also made me realise that I'm not a performer. I know what I want to get out of it, but I can't seem to channel it, especially through the piano. I can tell people how, and I can observe and criticise, but to actually do it myself - somehow it just doesn't show. Same with my acting - not that I've done much acting, but I don't think I can fully be comfortable with myself to expose myself that way. Even with my singing - I think I have a couple of restrictions with my voice and even if I work hard at it and stuff, I don't think I can ever get to a level to some of my friends are.

Hence being comfortable taking the "director" chair, and telling other people to do it. I actually have a thrill seeing awesome theatre. I physically get chills down my spine. The first show I saw on Broadway, In the Heights, I cried. I had the whole "oh wow, this is theatre" feeling, and I was brought to another place. I've had friends' performances give me that feeling of "wow, magic" before. And I guess if I'm able to do a show where I get that for 75% of the performance (at least), I will feel as though I've succeeded.

So tomorrow, here's to passing my piano exam. All I want is this degree, and finish this part of my life. Start something new. I've finally found my calling - I really want to direct. I want to create and mould and visiualise and conceptualise. I want to wow, I want to make magic, I want to leave an impression. I want people to think and realise and empathise and sypmathise and just want. I don't think I've ever been this sure about my life in a very long, long time.