End of an Era

As much as I hate to say this, I think tomorrow will be the last day of a period of my life where it has taken great significance, and has helped me to the place I am right now.

I think I may have fallen out of love of piano.

And it makes me sad to realise this, because piano has been a huge part of my life. But several years ago when I started my BMus (yes, it was that long ago), I realised I didn't have the same talent or dedication that some of my peers had, or the natural musicality and technique some of them carried. As of late, I've noticed it even more so. I feel fraudulant calling myself a "pianist" because I'm not of the calibre that most of my peers were at Uni and at my teacher's studio. For a while I tried really really hard - practicing hours on end, and just trying to get these damn Creole dances under my fingers. But in the end I got a decent mark (75), but not the marks that everyone else were getting - 80, 85, 90, 92... I know I shouldn't have to compare myself to others, and just do the best to my ability, but it made me sad that even when I do my best, I can never be the best.

Piano, however, introduced me to the world of theatre. With my piano skills, I was able to do some things, such as accompanying and being part of musical theatre shows. That's when my love of musical theatre started to grow substantially, and the skills that I attained through my degree and piano lessons enabled me to musical direct student theatre shows and just expose me to a great group of talented and fun friends, and to immerse myself in the wonderful world of musical theatre.

It has also made me realise that I'm not a performer. I know what I want to get out of it, but I can't seem to channel it, especially through the piano. I can tell people how, and I can observe and criticise, but to actually do it myself - somehow it just doesn't show. Same with my acting - not that I've done much acting, but I don't think I can fully be comfortable with myself to expose myself that way. Even with my singing - I think I have a couple of restrictions with my voice and even if I work hard at it and stuff, I don't think I can ever get to a level to some of my friends are.

Hence being comfortable taking the "director" chair, and telling other people to do it. I actually have a thrill seeing awesome theatre. I physically get chills down my spine. The first show I saw on Broadway, In the Heights, I cried. I had the whole "oh wow, this is theatre" feeling, and I was brought to another place. I've had friends' performances give me that feeling of "wow, magic" before. And I guess if I'm able to do a show where I get that for 75% of the performance (at least), I will feel as though I've succeeded.

So tomorrow, here's to passing my piano exam. All I want is this degree, and finish this part of my life. Start something new. I've finally found my calling - I really want to direct. I want to create and mould and visiualise and conceptualise. I want to wow, I want to make magic, I want to leave an impression. I want people to think and realise and empathise and sypmathise and just want. I don't think I've ever been this sure about my life in a very long, long time.

So close...

So I didn't end up doing my recital - had a bit of an anxiety attack and it is now postponed to a later date. I'm still practicing like anything and trying to get university over and done with so I can move on with life. So even though there's only 6 more days of October, I don't think I can fulfil my Blogtoberfest obligations... I could have if I were more organised since the very beginning, but things happen for a reason. Life happens for a reason. And I should stop dwelling on what could have been and focus on now and what could be.

I am one essay, one report and one recital away from finishing university. Yet I don't feel like doing it. I feel like whatever I write or whatever I play will not be good enough, and that I won't pass, even though my lecturers have said they'll help me pass and that's what they're there for. Maybe I'm afraid of moving on? Or maybe I just think it's too hard and feel it's easier to give up. I should stop with that attitude because it's gotten me no where me thinks.

I found out I'm good with making plans, but I'm not necessarily good at executing them unless I'm really really into them. I have this huge plan ready for my birthday in February next year. Turning 25, I'm hoping to make a huge huge birthday bash as I didn't have a huge one when I was 21. It'll hopefully celebrate not only my birthday but the fact that I've finally finished uni (after all those years of part time study and failing) and a new chapter in my life. These grand plans will come into play once my recital is done, and my NIDA interview is over.

But for now I have to focus on the task at hand - today I'm going to finish that damn 2500 word essay, and do that 750 word report, and practice my heart out until next week so that I can put a "Bachelor of Music" next to my Diploma of Associate Music in Piano Performance and my Diploma of Entertainment Business and Management. It's so close, yet so far.

Missed another 2 days of Blogtoberfest...

I shouldn't have signed up really... :P

My recital is this Thursday, 22nd of October at Sir John Clancy Auditorium UNSW, 6.30pm. If you would like to come see me make a fool out of myself spewing piano notes everywhere you're welcome to. It's free, and you don't need to book. The Auditorium is pretty big and I highly doubt I can fill it up with people, but I'm obliged to publicise nevertheless. All I want to do is pass, really.



Oscar is being adorable, until he does naughty things like poo somewhere other than the litter tray. He was behaving so well until then. I think I need to change the litter box a little more often.

After this week is over, I will be excited to a) go back to my knitting, and b) finish uni. I would only have a couple of more papers to hand in and hopefully that would only take me a weekend and a couple of days, and then I can be stress free for about a week until I go for my application for NIDA... Sigh. Things never stop!

Back and unprepared

Back home from my travels. I fail at blogtoberfest, as I definitely haven't been blogging every single day. Even though it's great to be home, I'm now back to reality and the responsibilities that face me for the next couple of weeks at least.

I has a new foster cat. I've named him Oscar, and he's really chatty. And currently really smelly because he just recently gotten desexed, and his body is still trying to get used to the whole "no more testerone" thing. But he's adorable... :D



And in other news my recital is this Thursday. Totally and thoroughly unprepared. Am trying to practice heaps, but yah, the motivation is no longer there. I have 5 more days of heaps of practice and hopefully I'll get there. Apparently I can. I just need to work really hard. Sigh. And then my degree will be OVER!

I Heart America

And after New York and San Fran, I'm thinking I'm happy to move here for a while. I dunno whether I would bring up a family here, because I'd like my kids to be near my parents (or at least in the same country), but for my career I really need to be in the States.

San Francisco has a couple of friends living here, and they all seem so happy. Or at least successful... One friend is working at Ernst and Young, and another at Apple, and they seem so happy! San Fran is a pretty city despite the hills (and the weather - slept in this morning because it was raining and we couldn't do anything in the rain), and the houses are pretty. However New York has this exciting buzz to it that I just really really loved.

I'm scared of facing all the work I need to do once I get back to Sydney... Sigh. It'll all be done in a week I'm sure, but still scared!

I'm already planning my next trip - I'm hoping to go to Londontown. And possibly a couple of other places in Europe. Hope to save up enough money to get some specials or early bird tickets sometime next year... And maybe a detour back to New York if I have the time and monies!!! Sigh... Just have to keep on fantasising, it keeps me sane. :D

San Francisco...

A very different vibe. It's definitely awesome, with the insane amount of restaurants and arty stores, and the pace - very very relaxed. Definitely opposite to New York. And oh my, the amount of hills! You wouldn't have to get a gym membership if you had to walk everywhere here. Just walk a couple of hills a day and I think you'll lose weight almost instantly.

We went on a City Tour today, seeing as we only have 2 days here, and it's pretty awesome that you can go a couple of blocks and it changes continents - from Chinatown to Little Italy to something South American.

It's a pity that it's a bit overcast, and apparently it's going to be raining tonight and windy tomorrow... Hopefully that won't get in the way of things!

Starting to stress about uni work, and the amount of stuff I have to do when I get there... Sigh. But I've planned it all out and made notes about it all. :D Hopefully I'll be organised and stick to it!

Waiting... Foolishly...

I did the ultimate stupid thing this morning.

A couple of days ago I thought I'd be organised and book in a shuttle bus to the airport. I asked for 7.35am because I read my flight as 10.35am. And how I was wrong.

My flight was actually at 7.25am, and 10.35 was the time on my old itinerary where I would've ARRIVED at San Fran.

On my new itinerary we would've arrived there at 11am, so we would've had had half a day to go around sight seeing and stuff, but alas we've spent this opportunity to miss a flight due to my stupidity and spend possibly 12 hours waiting around for a free seat on the flight. We've been waiting around since 8.30am waiting for flights every 2-3 hours, being on the stand-by list and just hoping we'll be on the next flight. I really hope we're on the next flight at 5.30, but obviously people aren't as stupid as me.

I guess the reason why I made this mistake is because this is the first time that I'm pretty responsible for the whole trip. I don't have my parents nagging at me, and they're usually very particular about things, and I'm not part of any tour where other people would also check things and we'd keep eachother in line. I have my little brother, and even though he's 14 he's still fairly dependent, and I didn't expect him to go ahead and double check papers for me or anything.

So here I am, in JFK Airport NY, waiting for a flight to San Fran. At least it's not a flight home, just kicking myself because I've now lost a full day of travelling and sight seeing. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise - it's allowing us to do nothing and have a rest. Would just prefer to do it without the added stress about whether we're going to be on the next flight or whether we have to figure out a place to go to tonight if we don't get in. Apparently, and fingers crossed, we'll be leaving at 7.30pm the latest.

Oh and to add to the time wastage, all my knitting is in my suitcase which are now checked-in, also waiting in stand-by I guess. Just scared about the whole knitting confiscation that I thought I'd play it safe and leave it in my checked-in luggage. Sigh.

I hate being stranded.